It Can Be a Big Risk to Expect Your Faulty Partner or Lover to Change for the Better When You Are Married to Each Other

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It Can Be a Big Risk to Expect Your Faulty Partner or Lover to Change for the Better When You Are Married to Each Other

Marriage is often regarded as the ultimate union of two individuals, committed to a shared future, mutual respect, and love. However, while marriage can bring immense joy and fulfillment, it also comes with its challenges, particularly when one partner expects the other to change. When you marry someone, it’s natural to hope that, over time, they will evolve in positive ways, whether it’s adopting healthier habits, improving communication, or being more attentive. However, expecting your partner to change significantly, especially when they’ve shown little inclination to do so, can be a huge risk that might lead to disappointment, resentment, and even the breakdown of the relationship.


The Illusion of Change

One of the biggest pitfalls of expecting your partner to change is the illusion that love or marriage alone is enough to bring about that transformation. Often, people enter relationships believing that their partner’s flaws—whether it’s a lack of ambition, poor communication skills, emotional distance, or other "faults"—will improve over time, especially after marriage. However, expecting a partner to change without their active desire or willingness to do so is unrealistic.

People change, but meaningful change comes from within. It is driven by self-awareness and a personal decision to grow, not because someone else demands it. In marriage, it’s essential to understand that, while love can inspire positive change, it’s not guaranteed. If you marry with the belief that your partner will eventually become the person you want them to be, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.


Emotional Consequences of Unrealistic Expectations

When you expect your partner to change for the better, it often leads to emotional frustration. Over time, the gap between your expectations and the reality of your partner’s behavior can become a source of tension. You may find yourself frequently disappointed, hurt, or frustrated when your partner doesn’t meet the standards you’ve set for them. Instead of nurturing the relationship, these unmet expectations can breed resentment, which erodes trust and intimacy.

Moreover, expecting change can lead to a toxic dynamic where one partner feels constantly criticized or judged. If the partner who desires change consistently pressures the other to improve, it can lead to a feeling of inadequacy in the partner being criticized. They may feel that they are not good enough, no matter what they do. This emotional weight can cause the relationship to deteriorate, with both partners feeling frustrated, misunderstood, and disconnected.


The Danger of the “Fixer” Mentality

Another significant risk of expecting your partner to change is falling into the "fixer" mentality. This occurs when one partner takes on the role of trying to "fix" the other, often without considering whether the partner actually wants to change. This dynamic is dangerous because it can create an imbalance in the relationship. The "fixer" may start to feel superior, believing they are the one holding the relationship together, while the other partner may feel trapped or resentful. Instead of fostering equality, this power imbalance can undermine the foundation of mutual respect that a healthy marriage requires.

Being in the "fixer" role also leads to frustration. It’s emotionally exhausting to constantly attempt to change someone, particularly if they are not interested in changing themselves. Over time, the person trying to "fix" the other may lose their own sense of self, becoming overly focused on their partner's flaws and neglecting their own needs and growth.


Acceptance Over Change

A healthier approach in marriage is to accept your partner as they are, including their flaws. Every person comes with strengths and weaknesses, and while certain behaviors or habits can be discussed and worked on collaboratively, it’s important to differentiate between things that can be changed and those that can’t. For example, someone may learn better communication techniques or become more organized, but expecting a complete personality shift is unrealistic.

Acceptance doesn’t mean tolerating harmful behaviors, such as dishonesty, emotional abuse, or neglect. These are serious issues that require attention and possibly professional intervention. However, expecting someone to change fundamental aspects of their personality or core values just because you desire it can create an unhealthy and unsustainable dynamic in the marriage. Instead of focusing on changing each other, try to focus on how you can support each other’s growth in a way that’s positive and mutually beneficial.


Focus on Personal Growth and Communication

A far more productive approach to a relationship is focusing on personal growth, both as individuals and as a couple. A healthy marriage thrives when both partners are willing to work on themselves, not just on each other. Communication plays a pivotal role in this process. Rather than expecting your partner to change, engage in open, honest conversations about how each of you can improve the relationship. Discuss your needs, desires, and frustrations in a way that promotes understanding, not blame.

It’s also important to recognize that marriage is a partnership that requires ongoing effort from both sides. The focus should be on how both partners can evolve together, fostering an environment where change occurs naturally, out of love, respect, and personal growth. For example, if one partner feels disconnected emotionally, the solution isn’t to expect them to suddenly change but to communicate openly and work together to strengthen the bond.


Conclusion

Expecting your partner to change for the better in marriage can be a big risk. While love can inspire growth, expecting significant, long-term change in a partner without their own desire to improve can lead to disappointment, frustration, and emotional harm. Rather than focusing on changing your partner, it’s healthier to focus on acceptance, open communication, and mutual support for growth. Marriage should be about nurturing each other’s strengths and flaws, and working together to build a lasting and fulfilling relationship. If both partners are committed to personal growth and to improving the relationship, change will come naturally, and it will be much more likely to be enduring and positive.


Thank you for reading, and please feel free to leave a comment with your thoughts on this topic.

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